In the first chapter of the Gospel of Mark, Jesus is baptized by John the Baptist in the Jordan. As he is coming up out of the water, "he saw the heavens torn apart and the Spirit descending like a dove on him" (Mark 1:10). That's pretty powerful, but it gets better. A voice calls down from heaven, saying, "'You are my Son, the Beloved; with you I am well pleased'" (Mark 1:11). Immediately after this awe-inspiring moment, the Spirit drives Jesus into the wilderness.
I can't even imagine what Jesus must've felt. I have never been filled up with the Spirit, or seen it descend on me like a dove. I have never seen the heavens open up or heard a voice call to me. But this is what we want, isn't it? We want real results when participate in church. We fully expect that at some point, we're going to hear the voice of the Lord as clearly as if whispered in our ear. We want to be claimed as part of the family. We want to have our existence affirmed and have God's seal of approval stamped on our forehead. Perhaps most importantly, we want to be physically, mentally, emotionally, and of course, spiritually moved by the Spirit from apathy into action. We want purpose and direction.
However, most weeks, I walk out of the Sunday evening service at LCM feeling no different than when I walked in. I don't feel transformed. Sometimes, I feel like I'm trying too hard. I know I can't force myself to have an experience. All I can do is be open to the possibility that I will internalize a little of the Spirit.
Still, while I don't expect the sky to open for me anytime soon, I cannot shake the sensation that sometimes, I'm alone in the room; the Spirit didn't show up at all. I don't know how to feel about that or if it's even true. Like most mysteries in this world, I may never get an answer.
I know how you feel. I've heard and know people who have had some sort of "religious experience" or awe-inspiring feeling of God, but I've never felt like that. But I think it's okay. Sometimes people put so much emphasis on feeling that they ignore the fact that, yes, we have feelings, but we also have minds, souls, physical bodies. God is capable of interacting with us in a number of ways (probably ways we don't even know!), and I think He's glad that we're trying to be with Him in our own limited human way.
ReplyDeleteI personally haven't felt the Spirit, but the closest I come to what I imagine that feeling being is when I contemplate the Trinity. My mind is elated, and I almost "feel" like I'm close to having a real spiritual feeling. I KNOW God is here, even if I can't feel him.
So whether it's going to Sunday service or praying by yourself or with others, reading scripture and books on theology, or any other way of seeking God, I think it's worth it. You may never get to feel the Spirit, but you will surely get closer and closer to Him, which is much more important, I think :)