Angry at God

 

Do you ever feel like the whole world is against you? Like your entire life is crashing down around you? Do you ever get so frustrated with your situation that you just want to lash out and scream curses at the heavens?

If you've hung around me for any length of time, you've probably heard me bring up Psalm 77 (one of my favorite verses). In it, the Psalmist wonders if God has abandoned him, saying:

"You keep my eyelids from closing;
   I am so troubled that I cannot speak.
I consider the days of old,
   and remember the years of long ago.
I commune with my heart in the night;
   I meditate and search my spirit:
‘Will the Lord spurn for ever,
   and never again be favourable?
Has his steadfast love ceased for ever?
   Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
   Has he in anger shut up his compassion?’"

- Psalm 77:4-9

When the world is dark and we cannot see the light, has God deserted us? Does he even care? We hear so much about a God who loves and provides, but there are times when I can't see it. How is God providing for us when we lose our jobs or our loved ones? How is God demonstrating love when we're pushed aside and told we're just not good enough? Were is God when bad things happen to good people?

Like the Psalmist, I question. I want desperately to believe that this is all part of some grand plan, but here in the depths of my life, I feel alone. I'm ashamed to say it, but it is usually when times are the hardest that I have the most trouble believing.

I get angry. I scream at God. I denounce God. I argue with God and try to get him to bend to my will. "If you really love me, you'll fix this mess!" I say. Even when I do things right, I don't always get what I feel I deserve in return. Like Jeremiah, I feel like I've been tricked. "You deceived me, Lord, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed. I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me" (Jeremiah 20:7).

I get so angry with God and later, after I've gone for a long drive and calmed down a bit, I feel bad about it. But I don't have to apologize. I'm human and God understands that — after all, he made me this way. Yes, I have doubts. Yes, I sometimes get mad at God, but God can take it. And not only does God put up with my outbursts, he forgives me and never waivers in his love for me. I am blind, but God is determined to make me see.

God isn't a vending machine. We don't always get what we want and things don't always work out. And it's okay to be angry. I'm still bitter about the other times when I have felt abandoned by God. It doesn't feel fair and our lives often aren't. Bad things happen to us. We come up short. We lose. But, through it all, God is with us, even when we're sure he's not. It's okay to be angry with God, because no matter what we say or do, he doesn't give up on us. That's gotta be love.

"Your way was through the sea, your path, through the mighty waters; yet your footprints were unseen." - Psalm 77:19